Reflection of the soul

Posted on November 3, 2010 by

Note: This entry was just a place to do a emotional dump and jumps from idea to idea. More personal thoughts and insight than anything. Just a warning.

Shut up and let me read it…

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Another update?

Posted on September 16, 2010 by

Hey everyone…

Still trying to figure out what I want to do.  The CMS I’m using now is called ExpressionEngine.  It’s nice and all, but I actually have to come to the website and login to post.  I’m thinking of updating to some other type of blogging software that comes with native apps and such (iphone/windows) to do the updating.  I might actually post more often as well.  Who knows. :P

Until then, keep an eye on my livejournal.

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What I want for my birthday…

Posted on August 23, 2010 by

So, with my birthday coming up (week from Sunday) I’m starting to receive phone calls from my family asking what I want. It’s nice to know that they care and all, but I never have a good answer for them. I would happily say “Nothing at all!” and would be promptly ignored. I’m pretty happy with my life and I really don’t care about material possessions. While I’m not going to abandon items that I enjoy or that make my life easier (computer, iphone, xbox, etc), I don’t obsess over stuff either.

So, the cycle goes like this. I see something I want, and I generally save up and purchase it, or I determine that it’s not worth the cost and I abandon it. Now, if I don’t think it’s worth the cost of purchasing it for myself, I fail to see the reason of making someone purchase it for me. At this point, I have many of the items I want that cost relatively cheap. Other items I would like to have, such as a new Mac for iphone development, or a new telescope, cost far more than I even offer as an option to potential gift givers.

So, long story short, if you really want to give me something, make me a card, write me a poem, draw a picture, whatever. Honestly, if you know anything about me you should know that I’m happy no matter what happens. (Or at least, I’m working to get back to that state. :) If you spent 5 minutes and made me one of those little paper pinwheels, I would love it. I would zip tie it to the antenna of my car, and smile as it spun while I drove. (Just be warned that I probably wouldn’t even bat an eye a few minutes later as the highway winds tore it to pieces.) Life is fleeting, and if you don’t enjoy what you have or who you are, it’s a horrible waste.

Finally if you really feel that you have to buy my gratitude on my birthday, Amazon gift cards always work. Just don’t expect me to remember what you gave me.

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Crunch time…

Posted on May 18, 2010 by

One thing I used to do in my past was write about my life and my failures. While many thought I was crazy for laying myself bare before so many, I always thought it helped me grow. You can make as many promises to yourself in secret as you want, but it’s not until you tell the world one that you become accountable. These are the words that are engraved on my soul. While it may not be wondrous, I open myself to you. The hope is that by helping others understand who I am inside, I may better understand myself.

I consider myself a fairly smart guy. I feel like I’ve been able to excel and get to a pretty respectable place despite the poor cards I’ve been dealt. I enlisted and endured six years of doing something I didn’t enjoy at all just so I could go to school. I was able to complete my undergrad and my masters with honors, all while being an Airman and taking vacations to Iraq. (I’ll admit, my schooling was pretty crappy, but it was still better than nothing.)

Despite this, I still find myself falling for the same pitfalls that I see, and criticize, others for. One issue during my marriage that troubled me was that Tina basically controlled the money. I rarely was able to purchase anything for myself. While I agree that I was partially to blame by not taking control myself, that’s just not my way. So, the problem I face now is that, given back the full control over my money (at least the half I’m allowed to keep), I overcompensated. First thing I did was buy myself a motorcycle and some nice stuff for the house. I berate myself now for falling victim to this, but I still thought I was smarter than that. As much as I love my bike and such, I hate that I basically forced myself into living paycheck to paycheck. I even let my savings dwindle away as I tried to spend more time out with friends than home alone.

So, now I’m to the point where I need to watch what I spend and trim the fat. I’m going to try and force myself to get back into the 9-5/6 work schedule and get focused at work again. Lately I’ve been unable to figure out bugs and code issues that I feel should be easy. I spent all day on a couple problems and ended in failure. I think it’s one of the most frustrating things in my life right now. I just need to focus. Despite my entire life changing this year, I can’t let it fall apart. (I have to give props to the people I work with. They probably don’t know it but they’ve helped me more than they know. I’m really grateful to have the job I have now and I don’t want to ruin it.)

So… my few readers. I vow to you! I’ll regain my focus. Get myself back on track. So it is written!

So, in the end, I hope Sandra doesn’t mind me being cheap. XD Ahhh… I hope Tina finds a job soon. I need to pay stuff off and build up my savings again. It’ll be hard to focus with that above my head, but I’ve endured worst. And I still believe in Karma. I’m trying hard to be a good person and do right. Hopefully the universe will treat me well in return.

And if not… “When you find yourself going through hell, keep going.” — Sir Winston Churchill

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Daily moans

Posted on May 5, 2010 by

Today was another good day. I worked from home so I could ‘babysit’ while my brother dealt with some of his own issues. It was a pretty productive day and I was able to resolve many of the bugs assigned to me at work. Afterward, around six, I went to Florians for a BBQ and to relax in the hot tub. It was pretty successful. Tomorrow should be even better though. I’ll be meeting up with a few friends for a 5th of May pub crawl (where I get to watch everyone else drink while I cheer them on.) Sandra, one of the girls I met from the beach BBQ on sunday, said she would join us. I’m still amazed by how much she’s done (and what she’s doing) even though she’s still so young. The Japan trip last month was my first time out of the country, excluding military tours. She’s already been all over the place, not to mention living here. I really need to travel more. I’m so sheltered. :P

I’ve also been trying to write poetry again. I thought it would come easily to me, but I’ve been having a tough time at it. I hear the words in my head, and I can feel the rhythm, but for some reason I can’t put it on paper. (Another problem is that I think of great verses and stanzas while riding my bike, yet they drift away before I can put them to paper.) I think I just need to spend more time focusing on my writing. Lately it’s been all work and trying to be social again. I guess when Florian goes back to Germany I’ll find myself with plenty of free time again. Perhaps I’ll find new friends to hang out with, but we’ll see.

Off to bed. Night!

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Writing and a BBQ

Posted on May 3, 2010 by

I just ended up looking at some old entries that I wrote and still find myself somewhat impressed by my writing. I really wish I had people who pressured me to keep writing instead of leaving for other opportunities. While the Air Force helped me get a degree I probably wouldn’t have been able to pay for, I wonder how my life would be if I had focused on writing instead. Alas, in the immortal words of David Bowie, “what’s done is done!” At least I’m not naive enough to think that the chance to be an author are beyond my grasp. (In fact, the average age for people to publish their first book is in their 40s. Or so I heard at a seminar. I couldn’t find a reference.) Just need to keep my head up and keep moving forward.

Today was a pretty good day. Went to a BBQ at the beach in Santa Cruz and I met some fun and interesting people. Almost all of them were overseas visitors. I had a really good time and I’m really glad I was able to make it. I do wonder if I’ll ever get rid of all this sand though. :) Keeps showing up in the strangest places. Yikes.

Off to shower and go to bed. A fun day of work awaits!

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May Day

Posted on May 2, 2010 by

I had a fairly good night. Went to Morgans May Day party with Florian. I basically ended up talking to him the whole time. It’s not that I didn’t want to mingle or what not, but I felt mostly out of place. It actually reminded me of the parties Morgan threw when we were in High School. Everyone would just pile up in groups. I’m just didn’t feel comfortable crawling into a pile of people I barely knew. Sad, really. It meant that I usually just sat across the room with Florian (or after he left, alone) and watched. Maybe I should have just jumped in, but oh well. Can’t change who I am that quickly, I guess. I’m still not even used to being single and actually being allowed to do things like that as I wish. Pretty pathetic, eh? I think so.

Probably the worst part is that I actually met a girl whom I was actually interested in getting to know, but since she was always tied in with a group of other people I didn’t get to get her info. Maybe next party? Maybe not. Who knows.

I need to follow through with my plans to go to the gym and get myself back into shape. Hopefully that will increase my confidence and perhaps make me a little more desirable. :)

Oh well. I’m going to Santa Cruz in the morning, in seven hours to be exact, for a BBQ with Florian and a bunch of the other people. Maybe I can practice this whole socialize thing over again. :)

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I’m coming back…

Posted on May 1, 2010 by

I haven’t posted in a long time. Not regularly like I once used to. I’ve been wanting to come back, but things have held me back. However, I plan to start posting more often. Hopefully I can get back into my old habits of writing every day. I’ll probably post more private entries, so friend me if you want to be able to read them all.

So, that’s my goal. Lets hope I can keep it up.

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New Servers… Again

Posted on January 26, 2010 by

So, I finally went with an actual, well known, hosting solution.  This is after having more problems with my server.  I would get random 500 errors, wasn’t able to get to the control panel at times, and recently I’ve been getting disk quota errors.  Hostgator is unlimited bandwidth, space, and domains, a dedicated IP, and I even get a toll free number!  (I have no clue what I’ll use it for, but it came with the package.)

All this for the same price as my old one.  I’m somewhat sad because I enjoyed supporting my friend (I was hosted on his servers) but the lack of backups, common errors, and such worried me.  Also, the disk quota thing was annoying.  Here I can host everything without worrying about it.  (The disk errors were part of the reason I haven’t updated lately.  Hard to create new posts when you’re denied the ability to create files.)

And finally, I’ve updated to ExpressionEngine 2.0 (beta) and it’s not playing nice with some of my links.  (It also nix’d the photo gallery, so that will again be forthcoming.)  So, for the time, please pardon the dust.

Matt

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World Fantasy – Day 2-4

Posted on November 2, 2009 by

Day one was fine, but after getting no sleep… the rest of the time pretty much killed me.  I like my 8 hours of sleep per night! :P

The panels were mostly awesome.  There were a couple that made me wonder about the panelists.  I think a few authors felt that their way was the only right way.  This, of course, is BS.  Fantasy is the place where your allowed to break the rules.  You can create the world as you wish.  Oh well, overall the advice was well thought out and well presented.  The parties were awesome as well.  I was able to introduce myself to many other writers, aspiring writers, publishers, agents, editors, etc.  It was definitely a great experience.  While I don’t have a finished manuscript yet, it does give me faith that I can one day enter the ranks of a published author.

As for last night, I came home… tried to write but ended up going to bed early.  I’ll have to write extra tonight to catch up for NaNoWriMo, so off I go!

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