One thing I used to do in my past was write about my life and my failures. While many thought I was crazy for laying myself bare before so many, I always thought it helped me grow. You can make as many promises to yourself in secret as you want, but it’s not until you tell the world one that you become accountable. These are the words that are engraved on my soul. While it may not be wondrous, I open myself to you. The hope is that by helping others understand who I am inside, I may better understand myself.
I consider myself a fairly smart guy. I feel like I’ve been able to excel and get to a pretty respectable place despite the poor cards I’ve been dealt. I enlisted and endured six years of doing something I didn’t enjoy at all just so I could go to school. I was able to complete my undergrad and my masters with honors, all while being an Airman and taking vacations to Iraq. (I’ll admit, my schooling was pretty crappy, but it was still better than nothing.)
Despite this, I still find myself falling for the same pitfalls that I see, and criticize, others for. One issue during my marriage that troubled me was that Tina basically controlled the money. I rarely was able to purchase anything for myself. While I agree that I was partially to blame by not taking control myself, that’s just not my way. So, the problem I face now is that, given back the full control over my money (at least the half I’m allowed to keep), I overcompensated. First thing I did was buy myself a motorcycle and some nice stuff for the house. I berate myself now for falling victim to this, but I still thought I was smarter than that. As much as I love my bike and such, I hate that I basically forced myself into living paycheck to paycheck. I even let my savings dwindle away as I tried to spend more time out with friends than home alone.
So, now I’m to the point where I need to watch what I spend and trim the fat. I’m going to try and force myself to get back into the 9-5/6 work schedule and get focused at work again. Lately I’ve been unable to figure out bugs and code issues that I feel should be easy. I spent all day on a couple problems and ended in failure. I think it’s one of the most frustrating things in my life right now. I just need to focus. Despite my entire life changing this year, I can’t let it fall apart. (I have to give props to the people I work with. They probably don’t know it but they’ve helped me more than they know. I’m really grateful to have the job I have now and I don’t want to ruin it.)
So… my few readers. I vow to you! I’ll regain my focus. Get myself back on track. So it is written!
So, in the end, I hope Sandra doesn’t mind me being cheap. XD Ahhh… I hope Tina finds a job soon. I need to pay stuff off and build up my savings again. It’ll be hard to focus with that above my head, but I’ve endured worst. And I still believe in Karma. I’m trying hard to be a good person and do right. Hopefully the universe will treat me well in return.
And if not… “When you find yourself going through hell, keep going.” — Sir Winston Churchill
- @ May 18, 2010 3:06 am