You know… I think I have a special outlook on my feelings. It’s strange, but sometimes, to me, it feels as if I’m looking at someone elses emotions and am examining them. I say sometimes, because other times I let myself float in them, and go where they lead me. Normally, when I get angry, I watch myself. People normally say they’ve never seen me angry, and this is somewhat true. Other times I watch myself… watch inside myself, and watch how those flow. I question why those emotions make me want to act a certain way. (For example, I remember watching myself want to throw my laptop away because the USB controller is broken… the mouse wouldn’t work… however I was a bit mad because I suck so much at Half Life – Counterstrike… the point is, I examined myself feeling this, and questioned it… outwardly, I was calm. Sometimes it’s strange.
But tonight, something happened that I can’t quite explain. I went and saw the movie DareDevil (good show, btw) and anyways, my friend was driving us home afterwards. About the time we were driving down the street to get to the Pope Air Force Base gates, I started feeling … almost afraid I guess. Not at anything I could explain. At first I thought someone close to me had died. Or that I was about to almost. I wasn’t scared of dying, just of something that was going to happen. I told my friend, the driver to be careful while he drives… he said “I always am” and stuff… but it didn’t go away. We drove a little bit more, went through the gate, and it kept getting stronger. I asked my friend if he ever just had the feeling that something just wasn’t right? I felt like nothing was right at all! And he looked at me and said that he knew there was stuff like ghosts and the like, and that they normally tell us stuff. I’m not quite sure about that reasoning, as you all should know.. but either way, he slowed down and started driving somewhat safe. (He’s a very quick aggressive driver and on the wet streets it’s not always good.) Anyways, we drove the rest of the way, (Which was really curvy and full of sharp turns) and when we pulled into the parking lot, suddenly the feeling vanished. I mentioned that to him, and he told me it was my fault because if I didn’t tell him that he would have flown around the curves just to test his new truck out on the wet pavement. I guess maybe I might not have been here now if I didn’t listen to that and said something. Makes me wonder once again who or what is out there. I don’t doubt that there is something out there, I just don’t know who.
Anyways, after that I’m back to normal.. I had a little spurt of sadness, possibly lonelyness, but that could be anything. I was thinking about my friends. Today in class, they told us to write about your best friend. Instinctivly, I started writing about Nick, but I read it and laughed. Loyal… always there for me… heh.. I wrote about Clint and Nagi instead… I still remember how hurt I felt. Aubree fits in there somewhere as well, but all thats gone. Nick turned his back on me, and so did Aubree. For some reason Nick hurts me much more. I miss alot of friends. Will, who taught me to drive a stick, to Clint, who became my DBS buddy. (Don’t ask… 🙂 Steve who was my Skater buddy, and Tyrell and Jeremy who were a good grope… (Again, don’t ask. ^_~;; )
I have friends now… Cody, Galavez.. they’re good friends here. But they don’t know me yet. Cambell and Dozer, the two I went to the movie with tonight are cool, but I doubt we’ll become very close… Clint will always be a friend, but I think we’ve become more of aquantances, who meet every now and then to talk about life. I miss alot of the life I’ve lost…
The only friend I think I will have forever will be Nagi, I think. She’s the only person who’s loved and cared for me through it all. No matter where or what happens. She’s never even met me face to face. 🙂 (Perhaps thats why she’s been so true.) I can always talk to her and she won’t judge me. I wish I had that from others. But I’m glad she’s there. Her presance has helped me many times in the past. And I hope she’ll always be there for me in the future. She will always remain my best friend.
The only person I haven’t mentioned yet is Tina. I guess it’s because she’s my Fiance. She’s supposed to be so much more than a friend… she’s supposed to be my other half. And I hope she will be. Forever together, forever in love. I don’t know what the future has in store for us, but I hope things go well. For both of us. I hope I can make her happy… I’ve somewhat lost my confidence in making people happy… as I seem to fail so much at that, but whatever happens, I’ll see it through. And I’ll be happy. I still believe life is not worth living if you don’t live it happily. It becomes hell otherwise, and that’s not living.
Anyways, I guess after the whole fear thing, I haven’t quite come back to myself. It sucks being alone. *smile* I was supposed to drive to visit my little bro, but Enterprise was out of cars. So I’m stuck at home for the weekend. I’m certainly used to being alone… it’s just I don’t have to like it.
Well, I’m going now. There are stuff I need to do.. I just don’t know what I want to do….. we’ll see…
- @ February 15, 2003 1:14 am