I wrote this last night while watching this show.. there is another one I wrote on “O” as well, and I might include that afterwards or later.

I just watched a show on Norma-Jean Dougherty (sp?)… or Marilyn Monroe. It was almost hard for me to watch. I couldn’t understand it. None of it. A beautiful woman… threw away everything in the end. For power? Money? It didn’t make her happy… not in the end. But that’s the simple side. That’s the cut and dry facts of what happened. What I can’t understand is why. Why did she do it? Why did her mind work like that? I don’t know if I will ever understand. And I hate not knowing. My mind kept moving at hundreds of miles per hour, a hundred different directions, and I couldn’t do anything. I almost turned off the show a dozen times, but, maybe a morbid curiosity, maybe sheer terror, or maybe sorrow kept me watching. After the show, I tried to think about other things… watch MTV or something, but nothing could stop my mind. In the end, I ended up staring at the ceiling, beneath my blankets, just watching the thoughts fly across the space of my mind. I didn’t know what I was afraid off.. I may still not, but I think it comes down to the unknown. I don’t know god. He never touches me to let me know he exists, so I’ve only blind faith to believe in something almost everyone says exists, just not like the other person describes him. it makes me think everyone has their own god. Maybe their solid foundation in the sands of time. But for me it’s just the blades on the blender… throwing my thoughts all which way. Nothing calmed my mind until I thought of something. On my wall, in the darkness, I saw a light… it started about my waist, and in a very clean line, went up the wall to illuminate the wall away from me. It almost looked like a lite wall with a doorway to nothing. Looking at it, I realized it was just the light from my stereo being blocked off by something. It was, in the end, only a light. Pure simple science. I understood that. And purely by understanding that, my mind slowed. Instead of concentrating on a million things it couldn’t understand, my mind thought of one thing it did know. I still don’t know why I act the way I do, or even how to change that, but I know light and shadow. And somehow I was all right. this doesn’t really explain much, but maybe someday I’ll understand. Even a child soon realizes they can put their hand into a light and make a shadow. Maybe in some ways, I’m just a child. Someday I’ll know more, but I doubt I’ll ever understand my inner self. Or even that mysterious god everyone talks about. maybe my inner self is a god. That would explain why everyone’s version is different. However, I can only keep learning. Sometimes it’s hard to get yourself motivated to live life. Sometimes life seems so much better while you are asleep. It’s like that light. I could have stayed under the covers, completely hidden from the light. To write this I had to sit up. Abandon my warm bed to sit in this cold room. To sit in this cold room. to sit in the light and write. Just remember… you can hide from it, but eventually the sun will rise, and the light will surround you. It’s not just being in the light that helps you. It’s using the light to guide you that gets you the place you want to be. It’s up to you to take that first step. And somethings will come to you on the way… if not everything, I have a good feeling I’ll know the truth about god when I take my last step…

I’ll do the “O” one tomorrow… don’t want to totally ruin my chances for fun tomorrow by doing it all today, now do I? 😉

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Filed under: Uncategorized - @ December 7, 2002 10:00 pm