I don’t know…

It’s the end of another long night. And I have two more ahead of me… Nothing interesting happened. Just a lot of Air Force BS that I’m used to. Just another night of me being tired. I don’t mind the job, but it gives me a lot of time to think…

It’s hard being given the name ‘married’ yet never even knowing what that’s like.
It’s hard knowing that you once loved someone more than life, yet now you don’t even think you care for them…

I think it’s harder to tell yourself you don’t care yet hide how much it tears you up inside.

But I think the hardest thing is knowing she no longer cares for you. You could die the next day and it wouldn’t mean much to her. Hell, she’d prob even thank me considering I still haven’t changed my insurance…. *blah*

I guess I just hate caring. I don’t want to be with anyone right now. I don’t want a relationship. But I feel like I’m dying here. I feel like there’s no love left in the world almost. Tina loves me and would do anything to be with me… but I don’t love her. And knowing how much she cares for me I don’t say anything. Nagi cares for me, but she has her own life and I’m just a online friend I think. I wouldn’t date any girls around here… and I find myself more willing to be with someone just for the physical pleasures than anything else. More willing to accept something I never would have before.

I don’t know whats happening to me. To my world. To anything…
I just feel so lost..
And it all happened because I loved a girl.

What kind of life is this?
I don’t know anymore it seems….

Maybe I’m just tired…
goodnight

About Matthew Jones

Writer, Programmer, Astronomer, Dreamer, Wisher, Fighter. Always striving to be better than I was.
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