I’m just in the mood to talk, so of course I come here. I don’t have anybody around here to talk to… and even if I did, they’d prob be asleep.

I was poking around the web and found that Aubree mimicked Bob’s idea and made a msn group. One of her posts goes as follows:

From: Raven (Original Message) Sent: 9/8/2002 10:46 PM
Have you ever noticed how some people are never happy no matter? There is always something going wrong and they are always the victim. It seems to me that they are the ones that make themselves the victim, because they play it so well. No one can make you a victim unless you allow it.

It just got me thinking… remembering days back when. Back before I met Aubree I was always cheerful. I skipped even! (I’m not gay, just.. giddy cheerful…) Anyways… the first little bit, when I knew Aubree… we got along great. We were best friends. And then I fell in love with her. Ever since then, I don’t know a day I’ve been as happy as before. I still retain some of my good spirits, but some I don’t think I’ll ever find. I lost it when I lost my heart, I think.
As for the quote… it sounds like she’s saying it’s my fault for being hurt because I fell in love. She married me, made me the happiest person for a whole two weeks. Then she left, and now she won’t even talk to me. I keep thinking I’m over her, but then I see something like this and it hurts. I found myself actually hoping she would call me on my birthday… hoping she, my best friend of years, would at least want to wish me a happy day. I was depressed when I didn’t even get a ‘happy birthday’ e-mail. All this from a girl who destroyed my life and then says it’s my fault for letting it happen. *sigh* Actually… I should say that.. because in a way it is my fault. I should have known she didn’t love me to begin with. I did know… I just let myself live a dream. Perhaps this is another good reason why I shouldn’t wish for dreams so much. Once you live through the fairy tale, there is always a nightmare. To be happy, you need sadness. It’s just life.

To speak of other things… I don’t know what I want to do about Tina. She seems to be the only girl who truly loves me. And she is sincere, I know this. She would make a great wife too, I’m sure of this too. But I don’t feel anything for her. She’s my friend, but I don’t feel much more. I almost want to love her. She’s not attached to anybody… cares for me… and I know she won’t hurt me. She does annoy me with her almost constant flow of tears, but I feel almost sad because I know she cries because of me. She comes out here just to visit me. She calls me. She’s pretty. She is somewhat intelligent. She writes poetry really well. And almost everybody here (Doreza, Rice, Russel, Olliver, Amanda, Robert, Rebecca, Drexler, Mike, Rhonda, Steve, etc etc etc.) keep telling me I should go for her. Rice has taken it upon herself personally to get us married. Oliver told me he would kill to have a girl that sincere about him. My mother loves her… (she didn’t like Aubree too much.. she dissed on the ‘west side’ where my mom grew up… *shakes his head*) Daniel is somewhat annoyed because she won’t stop talking about me when they hang out. She cooks. The month she lived with me, the house was spotless. Argh! Why can’t I win on this. Well.. as it goes… I’m thinking of having a relationship with her, but the long distance aspect makes it hard. Either way, I still need time to get my heart under control. Only problem is, I don’t know how much time I have left. Don’t know if it matters even…

Arabic… I think I failed the test. It was much harder than any we’ve taken prior, and I heard the ‘good’ students saying they think they did badly. I know I missed a few questions. And the rest I have a good idea I missed them too. There is only like three questions I know for sure I got right. It’s my fault, I agree… I shouldn’t have ignored everything for so long after Aubree left me. I know I’m stronger than that. I didn’t have to let myself get so depressed. Only problem is… now I can’t do anything about it. They might change my language or even move me to another job. Worst case, they’ll discharge me from the Air Force for lack of Effort and my life will already be over. Lets see how it works out.

Tomorrow I go to see the Lawyers to work on removing the last ties I have with Aubree, and I have another dental appointment. They might be doing oral surgery to remove my wisdom teeth that are compacting the rest of my teeth, or some other thing I prob couldn’t imagine them doing. I hate dentists. And now, it being 12:30, and me having details in the morning meaning I need to wake at 5:00, doesn’t leave much excitement for the coming day. Oh well.
I’m going to go lay down for a few hours and see if I can get a couple hours of sleep.

Matt

Oh, and Nagi: All guys are the same, you say. Only in the aspect that we’re all unique. I try not to be the ‘average’ guy. I really do try to be better than most. I figure it is the only thing I can do to try and ensure my existence by living as good as I think I can be. I do make mistakes. Big mistakes…. but I try to learn from them. I’ll be more careful on whom I marry, as it seems love isn’t a good enough reason anymore. I’ll also be more careful when the girl I care for loves someone else…
I’m learning… I hope I’m doing better. I don’t know. At least I’m trying… I hope your doing better though. Your still my best friend and I care for you immensely.

About Matthew Jones

Writer, Programmer, Astronomer, Dreamer, Wisher, Fighter. Always striving to be better than I was.
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