Well, I guess it happened one more time. I broke down crying… it sucked. It wasn’t for any old reason, but for a new one. A anime called Kanon, which I think has become my favorite. It talks about a love story between a few different people. I don’t want to spoil it for anyone who might want to watch it because it is that good, but it’s very sad and very happy at the same time. I think the thing that got me so bad was how real some of it was, but how unreal other parts were. How much I wanted something like that. How much I wish I could be with someone, have a love that was in the shows I so love. But in the end, it’ll probably always be me wishing for a fantasy. Seeking an illusion, trying my hardest to bring flesh to dream. Wondering if the times I was truly happy were just a dream…
In Kanon, one of the girls said she was scared to be happy. The boy asked why and she responded, “Because I’m afraid this is just a part of someone elses dream. I’m afraid that the dream will end and I’ll disappear.” A strange response but one of those deep thought things I’ve always so loved. Surprisingly, being in the ‘smartest school of the military’ doesn’t help you find smart people. I haven’t found anyone to have truly deep conversations with. I think the last true deep conversation I’ve had was with Aubree… and I don’t think I’ll ever see those again…
About Aubree…. I went for a long walk on the beach after I finished Kanon… and I realized I miss Aubree. Well… I miss the old Aubree. The one who smiled, and was happy and good. The one who didn’t mind doing anything but walking in the mountains or sitting on her front porch for hours talking literature or proving my psychology ideas wrong. (They normally were, she took the classes, I just tried to make good argument…) I guess the thing I miss the most was her companionship. Just having her there. She’s prob changed so much lately I wouldn’t even know who she is. She told me she wants to be ‘evil’ and I don’t really mix with evil very well. I try to be good too much I think.
In the end, I just miss being wanted… needed… I grew up having to raid my two brothers and sister. They looked up to me and in a way they still do… but they don’t need me anymore. I’m still ‘big brother’ but I’m gone. I haven’t even seen Eric in two years. And Daniel joins the marines in less than a month… Aubree doesn’t care for me anymore… I just feel so alone. If I died tomorrow, people would feel sad, but nothing more would change. Just another thread lost in the weave of the wheel of time. For those who’ve read the books, I guess I just feel like a Aes Sedai who’s been stilled (gentled?) and am wondering how long I have left. Wondering if there is anything to replace it, or if that’s all there is and there’s nothing more but to wait until it ends.
Perhaps time will work everything out, and I’m sure I’ll be happy someday.. but I just don’t like waiting, I guess. I’m a pretty good optimist, but my patience sucks. Maybe if I work on that I won’t rush into marriages with women who don’t want me. (I swear I put ‘She must like me” on my ‘What my wife must be like’ list. Oh well…)

Other news… I have my End Of Course Test for Semester one on the 5th of Sept. What a birthday present, ne? And if I fail this one, they roll me out of the class. Most likely anyways. I have been studying a lot and I have a tutor, but I don’t know. We’re the first class to really take this ‘new-improved’ test and the teachers have told us, “The test classes, those who normally got A’s have been getting C’s, so you better study.” *sigh* It seems like their setting me up to fail. Last chance and it has to be harder than normal. (Note: The reason they’re doing this is because the DLI [Defense Language Institute] is now a accredited institution. If I pass this, I get a Associates in Arabic. But they need to use their tests…) I guess we’ll see how much longer I’ll be in Monterey. They’ll either reclass me, roll me back to day one (and with all my ‘family’ problems, they might do that out of pity) or, if worst comes to worst, kick me out… although I really doubt they’ll do that.

Tomorrow, I’m throwing the first installment of the DLI Anime Club. We’re watching the Cowboy Bebop movie. I have lots of people coming, so it should be great.

As far as girls go, I have a date tomorrow. I don’t know how this came about, but a friend came up to me and said I’m going out tomorrow with her, her fiance, and some girl who wants to get to know me. She’s Army, and her names Kitty. *grins* It’s actually Katie, but everyone calls her Kitty, so… rock on. She likes rock climbing and is into peace… or something like that.. so she joined the Army. *boggle* I was told she decided the best way to understand how to stop war is to understand war itself. I’ll have to see who she is before I make any decisions, but we’ll see. I’ll let you know tomorrow.

I’m in such a mood to talk too… *sigh* Not just talk, but actually get into a conversation. Nagisa isn’t online, and there isn’t really anyone else around whom I could really talk to… *sigh* Maybe I’ll go walk the beach again. I’ve never done it at night before. I guess we’ll see. You’ll find out tomorrow.

You know… it’s really hard on my true optimistic soul to be so depressed…. I really need to fix this. Somehow I’ll find a way. Someday…

Goodnight.
Matt

— Aishiteru… demo… kimi wa dare desu ka? Kimi wa doko desu ka?

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Filed under: Uncategorized - @ August 24, 2002 12:48 am