I just passed a part from one of the books (The Wheel of Time) I’ve read many times that I forgot about. There is this section where one of the main characters gets married. I remember reading that in the past and thinking about how great it would be to get married.
“I, Perrin Aybara, do pledge you my love, Faile Bashere, for as long as I live.” For as long as I live and after. “What I possess in this world I give to you.” A horse, an axe, a bow. A hammer. Not much to gift a bride. I give you life, my love. That’s all I have. I will keep and hold you, succor and tend you, protect and shelter you, for all the days of my life. I am yours, always and forever.”
I remember the first time I read those words back in High School. I was dating Christie at the time and I wondered if I would say those words to her. I smiled at how good it would feel to love someone as much as I knew Perrin loved Faile in the book. I knew that, even though neither of them existed, that I could take that love and give it existence. Robert Jordan is a artist when it comes to words, but I would bring those words to life with my own love.
I remember when Christie and I went our separate ways. No goodbye really… just other things pulling each of us in another direction. I did love her, but I don’t ever remember when I really first felt sad when I knew she wasn’t there anymore. It just felt like something that must happen. Nothing I could control. Nothing I could do.
Time passed. I didn’t think about love. I wanted it, but I won’t fight for it. When I find love, I want it to be given freely. I want to feel it just as freely. I want to look out and see the one I love and feel as if there were nothing else in the world other than her. Perhaps that’s why I like reading so much. For a moment I felt that love, even if it wasn’t for me. I was Perrin, and I saw Faile, and I knew love. But then I had to stop reading. The book ended… the next one buried and that emotion turning into a memory. I needed to write… needed to remember… so I came here.
I missed that emotion. I remember when I first felt it with Aubree. I was sitting on her bed watching her fall asleep. Knowing a little of the problems that troubled her 18 year old heart. When I was 18 I was living with my friend, living in Clints basement, already on my own because my father couldn’t handle me being so independent at that age. Because he couldn’t tell me what to do. I was 20 though, and I had a good job. I worked for my uncle, and made more than my parents did. I was happy, not because I had a place to stay, or even because of the money I had, the school I was easily flying through, or the car I owned. I was happy because I was able to hold Aubree and even if she wasn’t sure of it at the time, I knew she loved me.
Time went by, and the only thing that ever came between me and Aubree was Jealousy. My flaw, I know, but still, as hard to control as a angered, cornered viper with only you between it and it’s freedom. Other boys she smiled at, other loves she seemed to care about more than more, at least to me. She said it was because of Clint, afraid to be with me and hurt the friendship I had with him. I may never know if that were true, but I never stopped loving her. Then I introduced her to Tyrell. I knew at the first she liked her. And even if she didn’t admit it around me, I knew her lie. She dated him, and that almost killed me. I lost my job because I didn’t want to move away from Aubree, but not it was too late to take it and flee. I moved away to be with another friend across town, hoping that distance would somehow lessen the bonds that seemed to be tearing my heart from my chest.
She told me she left Tyrell to be with me, but I didn’t believe her, and told her that I didn’t want her with me unless she knew she wanted to be with me… so she left. She started dating the person I was living with at the time, and the pain was even closer. Ever time I came home, they were there, twisting the knife the bonds had turned into. Drawing more blood. Making me wish someone really would draw my blood, I prepared to flee Utah. Hide from the invisible daggers that hurt more than any steel really could.
Before I could be free, however, she went with me to one of the few places in the world I consider sacred, and sang a song declaring her love for me. I didn’t believe it at first, but listening to her sing, hearing her voice shake with fear, and what I took for love, I could not turn her away. It was a little shaky getting back together with her, with the scars still fresh and the pain still a vivid memory, but I knew I loved her. I trusted her… I thought I did… but I knew there were cracks in that trust.
I still saw her eyes when she looked at Tyrell however… but I believed her when she told me she couldn’t marry him. When she told me that she really did love only me. I was scared to trust her too much when I left for Basic Training, but after spending the first couple weeks thinking about her, I knew I wanted to spend my life with her. Knew I couldn’t live without her. Knew, that even though she hurt me greater than ever by things she did while I was at basic, I wanted her with me. I didn’t know, however, how easily she could make me realize the lie though.
I remember how happy I was when I looked into her eyes. Remember my hands shaking, and my voice faltering as I told her I did love her. Remembering how true those vows felt when I swore to love, cherish, protect, hope, etc… until death does us apart. I remember smiling when I kissed her… when I kissed the ring as if to imbue it with all those vows and let it shine for a beacon of how true my love was for her. And I thought I saw love in her eyes too. I wonder now if it was fear. But I asked her a hundred times if she was ready, and she said she was… Again, a lie. Perhaps unknown even to her, yet still a lie.
I remember holding her that first night… my wife! I remember all that love! My heart had never radiated so brightly. My love never so strong. I held her with all that love. Ever bit… and I remember crying as I had to leave. Staring out the window knowing I would miss her for the short time she would stay there until she came to be with me. And all the strain of waiting for those two weeks until she really did come.
I also remember first seeing them waiting for me, asleep in their car waiting for my classes to finish. I remember looking at them for a bit just staring because I missed her and she had come back to me… my wife. I remember asking Marie if she thought I would be a good husband… if she thought I was good enough for her… if she would enjoy being with me. Marie didn’t know when she told me I would be great for her, and that Aubree would like being with me. I don’t’ think she did anyways. But it wasn’t until the first night that she told me. Her love for another.. her not being ready to be married. Of all the pain I felt before hand, nothing compared to this. I never cried so hard… never wondered why god was so cruel, never wished I had never met Aubree more than that week. The entire week I wish I didn’t love her so much as I did. I tried as hard as I could to make her remember why she loved me… to make her want to stay, but in the end, she left just the same. Not even giving it a day before making that decision. Not even a week with me, and that was too long as it was.
My trust does not exist anymore. I love her, but I could never be with her again. I don’t know if I could ever trust her again. She’s still married to me, but only by law. By love, I doubt we were ever married. She says she loved me, but I can’t believe it any more than I can believe she wanted to marry me. Perhaps she just felt bad for me. Pity? I never needed her pity. But either way, I gave into my heart, and it gave itself up to be destroyed. All for the sake of love.
Now I sit… wondering why people cry. I’ll love again someday, I hope. I still listen to the song she sang me, and wonder about the tears, but I never was as strong as people took me for. Aubree won’t even call me anymore, and it’s been a couple days since I left a message to call me, but I wouldn’t be surprised to never hear from her again. It’s been a month now since I heard her voice, and it’s memory is fading. Soon her face will too, I expect, but I think the pain of her memory will always be there. And some of the love as well. I’ll handle the annulment, since I don’t think she can do it, and give her back the few things I still have left of hers. She can keep everything we were given at the wedding… it wouldn’t help me, and it would only remind me of what I lost. I need to move on, and I will. I’ll become great, I know that’s my destiny. I’ll see the world, write for the world, and set my place within it, but it will be without her. She left that life behind. She said she didn’t like the life she had with me, I’m too good for her or something, so I hope she likes the darker half she choose over me. I won’t say I hope she has a miserable life… for she gave me love, and for that I could never hate her. I hope she has a wonderful life. She must have already forgot about me, but I hope she finds another who can lift her up and get her on her feet. She’ll be great too, I know this. Somehow… perhaps it’s another dream, but I like to hope it anyways…
As for me… I often wonder about the future. I’m going to become an officer in the Air Force. I’m going to get my college degree in Computers and minor in English and Japanese. I’ll write and program. I’ll do something. I’ll fall in love again. I have Tina right now, and she has helped me a lot. She took some of the pain I felt with Aubree leaving, although I know she’s felt some pain of her own over it. I care for her as a best friend, perhaps more… but I don’t love her. Not right now. Not as I once loved another. Perhaps once that memory has gone I can remember how to love again and I might be with Tina… but I don’t know. I don’t even pretend to want to know the future.
Right now I’m content I guess. The hope of the future, of my dreams seem to balance strangely the lost love that still keeps my heart cold and plagues my dreams. I realize I have many other friends, and we’ll keep each other strong. I may have to wait, and only feel love in brief glimpses as I read my books, but I’ll be there someday. And next time I’ll make sure she wants to be with me. I won’t accept anything else. After everything that happened, I’m just glad there is a next time. And I’ll make sure to use all the time I have left in the world wisely. There is way too much anime left to watch for me to do otherwise! *grin* I still need to see the rest of the Lord of the Rings movies, and finish the Wheel of Time. I need to buy the motorcycle I want too. I might not choose the Katana, but I’ll make sure I like it. And Japan! I’ll live there someday!
Too many things to do. And I’m 22… and more or less single. I turn 23 in a little more than a month, and I don’t expect time to slow down while I sit here, so I better get working. People make their destiny, and I don’t plan to lose out on mine.
Anyways, I feel better now that I have written. I still wonder about these tears… I don’t see the reason they are there, no matter what the cause… but they’ll go away, and I’ll move on. That’s the start of a great person I guess. The ability to carry on no matter what the odds, no matter what’s happened in the past. And I mean to be great… I will be great.
And I hope you’ll be there to see it. I miss you all. I love you all.
Thank you for being there and reading this. Half my tears are for you, knowing your there for me. Your the people who give me the strength. Thank you.
Until the end, Yours truly… Matthew Jones
- @ July 28, 2002 2:25 am