There are few things that I deem as pure truth anymore. I don’t even trust my heart very much anymore. I don’t know if it’s because it hurts when I do, or if I always think it’s just lying at me. Looking at the past couple years, my life feels like a dream. Another thing that’s just fake. The only time it seems to come alive is when I’m with Aubree. When I can hold her… be with her… I loved being able to tell my friends she was doing ok. Loved having everyone around me know, she loved me. Now, when my friends ask, I tell them we’re not together anymore. We’re best friends, but no longer a true couple. They always say they’re sorry, but in a minute, they’re rambling about something else while I’m still there wondering if we’ll ever be truly together again. Wondering how much longer my life is going to stay alive, or forever become a dream.
At my grandma’s funeral, I kept looking at her. It looked like she was going to wake up at any moment. I even felt her hands… felt how cold they were, and even though I knew she was never coming back, I kept thinking of her opening her eyes and waking up. I told my dad that.. and that I guess life really is a dream… one you live until you don’t wake up any more.
I can talk to Aubree… and my mood can shift from true happiness at knowing she loves me, to sorrow, at knowing she left me. Flashing back and forth. My thoughts drift toward Tyrell, and how she loves him as well… and I feel Jealousy… and then my thoughts drift back towards the times we’ve had together, and happiness.. pleasure.. etc. I try to keep my thoughts on the happiness, since the sorrow hurts so much, but it’s hard. It’s hard talking to her, and her hardly ever saying she loves me anymore. Even when I say it to her… too many reminders that we’re no longer a couple… too many reminders that I might leave to never be with her again.
And so I always end up in sorrow….
Missing her with all my heart
loving her with all my life…
Waiting for the future.. for it will give me my answer…
And wether it’s more tears or happiness… I don’t know yet
But I fear for the worst and hope for the best…
I just wish it wasn’t so far away.
- @ November 7, 2001 1:59 am