How can the search be over when I don’t know what I’m searching for?

Japanese proverb: “Leave the cage door open so the bird can come home.”

What happens if the bird doesn’t want to come home? What if, through some means, you know there is no reason to keep the cage at all. The bird is gone. Sometimes you just need to get used to that and move on. Sometimes there is no other choice.

Today my little brother and Nick came over and we watched X-Men. It was kinda strange watching it on my little 19″ monitor, but it was still fun. Afterwards, me and nick went to visit Steve (read: get free drinks from Steve) and went to Nicks house. I stayed there until he fell asleep at around 9:00pm. (He hadn’t slept the night before.) So I left and came home. I waited online just in case Aubree would show up, but she didn’t. She didn’t call me either. I guess she just wanted a day w/o even hearing my voice. I tried to find some people to talk to online, but I wasn’t really in the mood. I tried calling Tina to see if I could talk to her about it, but she wasn’t really interested. I told a few people online, but it turned into them just telling me how sorry they were and that I should just give up. “Maybe you should give up on your old girl and replace her with a newer model.” One girl told me. “She left you, so there is nothing you can do. Just move on.” said another. But yea, it’s so easy for them. These girls who have no emotional ties whatsoever. One girl, a friend of mine said that she knew how I felt. She told me of a guy she liked that did the same to her, and how much she wanted to kill him for it, but how much it hurt because she still loved him. So many of us are just so lost I guess. I’m starting to think that love is just an affliction that people have. Some disease. I hardly hear stories of people who enjoy love anymore. There’s just more pain and suffering in the world than I can bare, and because I fell to the throes of love myself, I am just another scratch on the fabric of life. So now I sit, too restless to do anything productive on the computer.. like program… but too tired to do anything active. So here I sit, and wait for something new to happen. I doubt anything will, but I can dream, right?

*laugh* Funny how my life always comes back to my dreams… and how much they differ from reality.

Below is a poem I just wrote… I almost didn’t post it because it could possibly be the worst poem I’ve ever written. Only reason I’m posting it is because I believe that you should keep all you work… good or bad. Who knows… maybe some day in the future I’ll see it and it’ll inspire a really great poem….. Or maybe, for once, somehow… it’ll get across the words I’ve been trying to say forever. I doubt it.. but here it is.

Once as an Angel I flew bout in time
Flying on wings that gave peace and rhyme
I lived with a passion that I held deep inside
I held to my truth, so young and untried
I was so sheltered in my heavenly space
Ignorant to war, hate, and disgrace
Yet still none of these were strong enough
My courage was enough to keep me tough
And then like a arrow came my downfall
Shot through my heart as I tried to stand tall
Something that was supposed to be great
Something that could even bring down fate
Falling towards earth, I learned this too late
Not even the strong will always be great
Angel no more, I walk mortal land
Lost in emotion I could never understand
Searching for truth when all around is lie
Knowing that if I give up, I will surely die
In time I’ll learn the cause of this sin
I’ll know how I was attacked from within
But forward I walk toward my own destiny
Wondering if love is a friend or an enemy

About Matthew Jones

Writer, Programmer, Astronomer, Dreamer, Wisher, Fighter. Always striving to be better than I was.
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