Alone. I find myself alone all the time. Something to be expected, I would suppose, living on my own… Yet, there is something about me that few realize. About me… about being alone. You could say I have a fear, but thats not quite right… it’s more of a hatred. Even with people I love around… my brothers, my mother, my Friends… Even with them, I’ve always felt a little alone. I’ve never felt there was someone who understood me.
But then again, this isn’t always so. There are just a few times I feel so alone. Few times I have the deep desire to be with someone. Anyone sometimes. But normally, I end up.. here.. sitting in the dark writing because I can’t bring myself to do anything else. I tried to get Aubree to come out here, but she couldn’t. I offered to give her money for gas, but she just didn’t want to. Told me to save my money. So instead, just to drown myself in something, I went out and bought a bunch of food. Junk food mainly. I shouldn’t have done it, but I needed something. I just wish she would have even asked.. or tried… But I can’t ask for that. She is her own person. My dreams of the two of us merging have fallen to the ground around me. She’s her own person… and I am myself. Every once in a while we come together, but stay two seperate people. She didn’t become a part of me, nor have I became a part of her. We’re both just there. And even while I hold her, I’m alone. Within myself, still alone.
Earlier I cut my hand on my Katana. It is by far the worst cut I ever had. I was holding onto the sheath and the blade started falling out, and to keep it from hitting the cement, I quickly caught it, by the blade. I knew instantly what had happened as I felt the blade cut through my skin. I put the sword back in it’s sheath and went to stand by the sink. I sat there watching as my lifes blood flowed from my body, almost as if it was happy to get away. Even though it knew it would die on it’s own, it still rushed to escape. Not even bandaides would stop the flow of blood and I had to hold a towel over it until it decided to slow it’s flow long enough to accept a bandage. I almost laughed at the thought of anything in me fighting to be free from the confines of my body. Laughed at the thought that those cells would rather die alone than inside of me. Strange, these ideas you think of when your mind has nothing else to do.
So here I sit alone. I wish my internet was working, at least then I could talk to Nagisa. She normally appears about now to talk to me. I could at least have her confort me, even if she is a long distance away. I tried to think of someone else whom I could invite over, but nobody really came to mind. Daisy? Nah… Jon? Maybe.. No… I want to talk to someone I love. Because, just possibly they might understand…. Or.. would they? Again, I don’t know. Just sitting here in the dark. Alone.
- @ September 23, 2001 5:45 am