“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and I ask, ‘Where have I
gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take
more than one night.'”
—Charlie Brown

I’ve always wondered why I do certain things in life. I’ve made girls cry before… I’ve hurt people, and destroyed things. I don’t know why, whether it’s just a lack in my judgment, or if I really am too stupid, or too fantasy driven, to do the right thing. Some people do much worst things than I, I agree… I won’t kill someone unless I had to in self defense… and even then I would try not to… I’m good enough that I could take someone down with either martial arts or my katana w/o killing them… I think I am… but would that be another bad judgment if I tried. *sigh* Your surrounded by choices, and even if you decide not to choose, that is still a choice. How do you find the right ones? And why do I feel I follow the wrong ones so much?

Me and some friends were talking about Heaven and Hell… and Dave said something I can’t forget. Heaven and hell are all played up. We’re actually taught how we’re supposed to act. TV shows, books, … hell, even the bible tells us what we can expect. We’re trained beforehand what they are.. He mentioned that he didn’t believe that what we’re trained and what we’ll find are the same thing. He said that Love is perhaps the best feeling you can feel, and while your truly in love, you know heaven. And true hell would be just the denial of that love. For a second I thought he was a really wise man, but then he said, “A slut is someone who sleeps with everyone, and a bitch is someone who sleeps with everyone but you.” Well, he might have a point but I won’t admit that… being civilized and all.. 😉

Anyways.. I apologize for anyone who was reading this expecting anything intelligent… I’m just feeling in a generally sad/depressed/arghy mood. I’m getting back to the point where I feel that I hardly have anything left in my life. I live in a full house, work at the worst job in the world for me, and want a girl I couldn’t possibly get. The only pleasure I get these days are when I write, watch some super anime, read a great book, or am off with my friends… and there is a connection to all those. They all immerse me into a fantasy world. Well… I guess the one real thing is rock climbing. Other than that everything is a dream. I’m just so lost in fantasy, it’s hard for me to realize what’s real and what’s not anymore. I’m so lost in my woods that I don’t know what trail takes me to my future, and what one takes me to my destruction. Perhaps I’ll wait and listen for the laugh of an angel… or look a smile in the distance. You can’t go wrong doing that… can you?

Again I stand wondering if it’s a choice I want to make.

~Matt

At least I’ll leave you with something intellectual to read… perhaps one of my favorite poets and a poem I love to recite.

The road less traveled
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;
Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,
And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.
I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I —
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.
Robert Frost

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Filed under: Uncategorized - @ June 16, 2001 3:49 am