Sometimes I just sit around and wonder what I’m doing. I wonder if this is what I expected myself to be doing last year… and I wonder if my ideas of what I’ll be doing next year hold true. The only thing that’s stayed constant over the last few years have been one best friend… Nick North. Clint’s left on a mission, and so, while I still consider him a best friend, it’s hard to consider him one due to the distance and time. Steve has always been a friend, but I’m not sure how he ranks on my best friend list. Hailey become one of my best friends, but this is just a new thing… only in the last couple weeks. Same holds true with Bailey, Angelica, Galina, and Midnight. And you can’t forget about Brandon, Nate, Bob, and the rest of the gang from work. Well, and then there is Aubree. My best friend for the last two-three years. And now I wonder if we’re even friends… hehe.. all because she started dating my roommate, whom is another new friends, but still not in the best friend grounds.
I started wondering what constitutes as a best friend. What is Nick to me that nobody else really is. I don’t really tell Nick everything… well, maybe I do. But that’s not it. He’s just always there for me if I need help. I can trust him. I trust him with my life every week, and hell, he saved my life a couple days ago. If it wasn’t for him and the rope, that 20 foot drop would not have been fun. Trust… Communication… Friendship. I suppose… What about Hailey? She can’t be there for me… she lives across the US from me, but she still makes me happy. And so I care for her. She has a boyfriend, and even if this wasn’t the case, I doubt I would ever get the chance to truly make her mine. Although I long to hold her, it’s all for naught. So, why do I consider her as a best friend?
And another question… Love. What is it? Once upon a time I felt it. Once I lived because of it, and another time I wished to die because of it. Such a two sided emotion that has such strong hold on the hearts of us all. Hailey loves Robbie, and because of this, she’s happy. And I’m happy because of that. It’s all good….. right? *sigh* So why do I still feel so alone. Why can I not find someone around here who I care for? Perhaps I should look at going back to school sooner than later… just another thing to get my mind off this. And who knows, perhaps I’ll find my dreamgirl there… and perhaps she’ll always be stuck in GA. *chuckle* Ahh, why does my heart and mind curse me so.
Something that you’ll get to know if you talk to me much… Besides considering myself a modern day “Knight,” I’m a little cat. Heh. I’ll purr and meow, just for fun. Perhaps I like their frisky nature, or perhaps I like how their on their own, living for themselves, and true to only themselves. It makes me wonder if it is possible to live alone, for only yourself… but I still don’t think I could live w/o my friends.

I’m thinking of moving to Japan… perhaps just my escape from my life and the world. I’ve been wanting to do this for the last couple years, and I still wonder if I’ll be able to do it. Visa’s are hard to come by, and my skill with the language is still feeble at best. I know the culture pretty well, but it won’t matter if I can’t speak. Ahh…. so desu ne.

And now I go to sleep… perhaps I’ll find a escape in my dreams… or perhaps I’ll live another fantasy until morning comes to snap me back into reality. Life seems to be getting old. I wonder if anythings going to appear to spice it up in the future. But for the time being, I’ll keep dreaming of girls I can’t have, and places I don’t belong.

~Matt

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Filed under: Uncategorized - @ June 9, 2001 3:19 am