Ahh, here’s a rant that’s going to piss off half the population! Girls, how much we love them, and how much they make you wish you could throw your head out the window of your car right as you sideswipe a semi travelling in the other direction. Hows that for a image! Back in highschool, I was with the same girl for three years. After that I was with another for 6 months. I loved the first, and still am unsure about the second.
After this it was two years before I would fall in love again… with a girl who would throw my on my face. “Shot down in open court” I guess the saying goes. It wouldn’t have hurt so bad if she didn’t immediately go for another one of my friends.. and then another. That was the biggest pain because it made me, in my hurt and dying mind see that these guys, whom were and are still great friends of mine, were so much better than I to gain what I so wished for. For four-five months I beat myself because of this, working to become better while at the same time slamming myself down for not ever winning. Eventually, I gave up on her. Completely dismissed her for some time just to let my heart heal and my mind repair itself. This was about the time she started dating my roommate, Alex.
I always come home late so I wouldn’t see her, and always stayed away from where she might be. If I was in a situation where I was around her, I was completely cold, acting to her as I would to a total stranger… not as my best friend for the last year. I came to the point where I really didn’t love her. I no longer dream about her at night. I no longer wonder where she is and if she’s thinking about me. And, in truth, I no longer wondered if she was all right or not. I became the cold person I tried to be… A while ago, I would have thought that in order for me to feel that way around her, my heart would have had to turn cold too, but it burns for another now. A love unlike any I have felt before… a especially hard love on my heart because of who it fell for. I swore I would never fall for a girl online, and I did… or a girl with a boyfriend.. and I did. Alex put it best, when you fall in love it is just that, your falling. You have no control over it. So now I love this one girl, and act toward my old friend as a stranger.
Today I got a letter from my old friend telling me that she hated who I had become toward her, and how I treated her. She cried as she wrote it, and I know she felt it. She wants me to be honest with my words, and I always try to be so… so here I go. Yes, I was hurt when you choose others instead of me, and yes, you did tell me to stay out of your personal life. You said it was none of my business, and so I have. Unless this is but a dream of mine, I swear it. That affected a little… but now, I’m not sure. I remember all the pain I felt… all the sorrow and anguish… My heart remembers well, and so, yes, I’m afraid of you! Rational or not, I’m afraid of becoming friends with you again, and feeling all that hell once more. Do I want to be your friend, yes. Will I be here if you ever truly need it, yes. When you called me that once, I was scared as all hell because I thought something really bad happened to you, hence the “Is that it?” comment when I found out the reason. Yes, I will be your friend… best friends, I don’t know. In love, no… never again. So, don’t look upon every word I say as an attack, because I don’t mean it that way. Just don’t expect for what was, for… at the moment at least, I can give you my friendship, but I don’t know how much more my heart will let go.
This isn’t turning out how I had planned, it turned more into a response to the letter she wrote me. To continue my rant though, there are some girls you can’t live without… Hailey has been my soul for the last little while, and while I would have been alive without her, I wouldn’t have LIVED. Right now, she IS love for me, and because of that, I continue living, happy and free. I can only hope we’ll one day truly be together. While I still have my doubts, My heart still beats strong, and so will I. Girls will forever pain my life, and give it reason for living. Reason I hope to never be without.
Aubree, I truly am sorry, and I hope my friendship is enough for you.
Hailey… I do love you and will follow you to the ends of the earth if it’s required to hold you for even a night.
Everyone, follow your own heart. Live your own life. Love who you love, and don’t let anyone take that away from you…. for without love, life is nothing.
Until later… I hope you understand my words.
- @ June 23, 2001 5:55 am