Introspection

There has been something that has been somewhat bothering me for a while. I realized this when I was interviewing for various companies when I was leaving the air force. One company asked me what I looked for in an employer. I can’t remember exactly what I answered, but the guy said something to the effect that I needed lots of praise and encouragement. This completely stunned me since I had never considered it really myself. I’m somewhat scared by how true it is.

I do a lot of things in hopes of being recognized. I volunteer my time to causes I believe in (Such as building the new website for the local astronomy club), write my novels, and go out of my way to help people at work. I don’t want to be famous or anything, (not that I would complain if one of my novels took the charts,) but I want people to look at me and want to know me. I want people to want to be my friend. I want this to the point where I feel hurt or even betrayed if someone doesn’t like me or if they turn down my friendship. I’m sure some psychiatrist would tell me that it stems from my parents getting divorced when I was a child and me bouncing back and forth between homes and social groups. I’ve taken enough classes and read enough books on the subject to recognize that myself, obviously. The thing that scares me is that I’m afraid my obsession(?) with the need to feel wanted makes me cling to relationships or try too hard to obtain someones affection. I know that it has driven off a few friendships in the past and I wonder what might have been otherwise.

Don’t get me wrong. I still love life and try to be the best person I can be in a world full of hate, pain, and malice. I write this as a means of introspection. While some aspects of this ‘quality’ of mine may be damaging, it does give me drive and purpose to do good things. Perhaps acceptance is a poor reason for wanting to write, but I do enjoy writing and I really do hope to write something worthwhile. And since I realize this, maybe I can catch myself and stop the obsession before it scares away or hurts another friendship.

About Matthew Jones

Writer, Programmer, Astronomer, Dreamer, Wisher, Fighter. Always striving to be better than I was.
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