It is 9:30pm for me, and this ends another day where I have accomplished very little. I was thanked for all the hard work I’ve done over the last two weeks. A few words, and I feel very little from them. They promise time off, which will be nice since I’m so far behind on so many things right now. Yesterday and today were supposed to be my days off. I ended up working both of them. They promised me tomorrow will be my own, yet, I have little trust in the military these days. I have a separation briefing on the 10th, which I am looking forward to since it marks my first task toward leaving the military.
I speak harshly about the military, when they have actually done quite a bit for me. I’m well on my way toward my masters degree thanks to their funding. Well, now that I think about it, that’s all they’ve done for me. They promised me Japanese, and gave me trans. They promised travel, and gave me North Carolina and Iraq. I feel so lost. Even my school is suffering thanks to the military. I’ve worked almost every waking moment for the last two weeks. I’ve missed one deadline, and I still have much to do on group projects which not only affect myself, but classmates as well. I have so many aspirations and dreams and all I see is hurdles in front of me. Challenges I fear I may not have the strength to overcome. My own willpower seems to turn against me at times leaving me fearing not only the unknown future but unknown pieces of myself.
Today I got off of work at half past seven. A rare bit of charity from my work given all the tasks we still have to accomplish before returning back to normal after the airshow. I came home, took a shower, fed my neighbors fish, and sat down on my couch to watch Heroes. My little self-indulgent pleasure these days. I don’t have cable or pick up any local broadcasted channel, so everything we watch here has to be downloaded. Heroes is popular enough that I can usually watch it the day after it airs. Afterwards, I sat on the couch and just daydreamed for a bit before watching some random anime that was just released. (Wizards) I tried to watch it with no subtitles, but could only catch about half of the story. A Japanese lady came into my work and I started talking to her in Japanese. She replied in English. It’s been around seven years since I first started to learn Japanese, and I still know nothing. Wasted time. Much like my programming. I read many books about coding, design, and practice, yet I have nothing that I could proudly display as my achievement. I have so much hope and I feel like I can do so much, yet I feel I lack the strength to pass these hurdles. I blame it on chance that placed me in this place and time, yet I know better than that. Life is what you make of it, and right now I’m just a bus driver with high hopes. Nothing more.
In two months, I’ll greet one of the biggest changes in my life, and it’s up to me to make something of it. I still have no clue how I’m going to do it, where I’m going to go, or even if I’ll have a job to jump into when I get out, but I know I’ll find a way somehow. One of the benefits of being so optimistic is that the only foresight you see is positive. I know things will change, and I know it will be for the better.
I just hope I have the strength to take myself to the place I see in my mind.
Confident about my future…
Just… not in myself.